True Confession Tuesday: I'm Back to June 2009

It's been quite a while since I participated in a True Confessions Tuesday.  Needless to say, I have a lot to confess and it's not pretty so today will be bullet points.

• I saw a number on the scale this morning that I haven't seen since I started this blog in June of 2009.  I don't even want to post it here because it's beyond gross to me.  
• My BMI is 29.8 - a 30 is considered "obese".  That's pretty freaking scary.  According to this chart I have to lose over 25 pounds to be back in the "normal" range.  In reality I probably need to lose about 35 pounds.

• Losing 25 pounds seems impossible now since every effort I've made in the past 2 years has only resulted in a HIGHER weight.  Losing 60+ pounds? Completely unrealistic.
• Watching the Boston Marathon yesterday I heard the announcers talk about the size of the female elite runners.  They are my height and under 100 pounds.  They look incredible.
• I am fat again and I've completely blown all the work I did 6 years ago to get back down to 140 pounds.  (For the record, I will still be considered "overweight" at 140.  Being short really sucks balls.)
• I need to stop eating anything that remotely tastes good.  Celebrating Sunday's half marathon with a hard root beer float wasn't a good idea.  I don't deserve treats like this.

• I've been trying to log into MFP but it was frustrating me again and I took the weekend off.  I'm back to logging today and I've dropped my calorie goal back down to 1200 because 1500 was obviously too high.
• My kids graduate in about 5 weeks.  This means tons of photos that I don't want to be in looking the way that I look.  
• I'm dreading seeing the race pictures from Sunday.  I was happy during the race and having fun.  Seeing how fat I look is only going to ruin that feeling.
• I'm doing a mud run with my daughter in 2 months and I'm too fat to haul my ass over any of the obstacles.  Sad but true.  I've already decided to take a break from running distance after the 25k in 3 weeks to try and focus on strength and speed because at the weight I am now, running just hurts and really isn't very fun.

I could keep listing shit but at this point I really don't see the point.  The fact is I've completely blown it and I couldn't be more disappointed in myself.