A needed break

I know I haven't been around these parts much lately. I've got some stuff going on and while writing about it could be therapeutic, writing about it here would be quite the opposite.

Bear with me. I hope to be back at some point but I just don't know when. In the meantime, some good thoughts and mojo headed this way would be appreciated.

I'm a pro at sabotage

It's weigh-in Wednesday but I'm so mixed up from dealing with other things that I didn't remember until after I ate breakfast. Today's weight is actually yesterday's, but it still sucks.  It also appears I suck at remembering to blog since it's been a couple weeks now.


It's been a solid month of low carb and I should be back into the 140s by now. Obviously I'm not. Not even close. It seems I fail at every diet/eating plan I attempt: Whole30, paleo, low carb, low fat. Doesn't matter what it is, I fail. I'm not strong enough to be perfect and my body clearly punishes me if I'm not perfect.  Since I'm heading into a week long road trip where all meals will be eaten out, I'm pretty much giving up on this.  Even the past week where I've traveled a bunch I've made what I thought were better choices - leaving out the breads, choosing salads or a side of vegetables over fries, passing on beer - it hasn't worked.  I still have a tortilla chip here and there.  I piece of dark chocolate.  I'm still up because I can't just eat boring meat and salads with no other vegetables besides lettuce.  After some good dips down, I'm almost back to where I started, which makes it very difficult to stay motivated.

I know I'm not eating perfectly and it pisses me off that I don't have the willpower.  I haven't been working out hard enough.  Excuses would be that I'm really tired and have no mental or physical energy.  I'm going to be traveling and don't know where I'll run.  I was planning to do a long run tomorrow while my dad is having surgery in downtown Chicago, but now that the weather is predicting storms all fucking day, I'll be spending 6 to 8 hours sitting on my fat ass instead of running along the lake in one of my favorite places to run on the planet.  I probably won't even bother to pack running clothes now.  Maybe I just need to learn to be happy being fat because that's obviously what my body wants at this point.

Yes, I'm whining.  I'm pissed at myself that I can't make this work.  Whatever the fuck "this" is. The good news?  If there is anyone who still reads this blog, you won't have to listen to me bitch for another couple of weeks because I also don't have the energy to post anymore.  Maybe I'll be back after vacation or maybe I won't.

Training Tuesday: when you just aren't training

I'm going to come right out and say it...I don't want to run.  I don't want to do much of anything to be perfectly honest.  I have nothing on the horizon except a mud run in about 3 weeks and I have no hope of completing it with any level of success.  I guess just getting through it and trying to have fun with my daughter is all I can hope for on that front since I can't even do 2 real pushups at this point.

I think not wanting to workout makes me lazy.  Am I just being lazy?

According to DailyMile, I had a "stellar" week last week.  By all accounts, it looks like I did, but to say "stellar" is a bit of a stretch.

Yes, I did *something* every day last week, but if you were to examine it a bit closer, you'd see that none of those workouts were longer than about 40 minutes and most were 30 minutes or less.  Shit, you can get pizza delivered in that amount of time.

Now I want pizza.  And the copious amounts of treats in the teacher's lounge today.  It's taking an enormous amount of willpower to not go in there.

I'm certainly not going to get into shape at this rate but I've lost all motivation to workout.  Even knowing I'm going to the Florida at the end of the month and will need to put on a bathing suit isn't enough motivation anymore.  I forced myself to lift for a whopping 15 minutes yesterday and then get on my bike for 30 more minutes, but it was half-assed at best.  I didn't even hook up my Garmin because Why? It just doesn't matter.

Do I run or do anything tonight before my girl's Varsity Letter Reception?  Even knowing I'd have to shower again makes it seem like too much hassle to get dressed to workout.  In fact, I have stuff every night this week and I've been too tired in the mornings to drag my lazy ass out of bed.  Between graduation last week, commitments this week, personal life shit, and trying to get ready for my twin's graduation party this weekend, I'm just done.

What do you do when you just don't want to do anything?